Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here