Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.