Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
#polloftheday
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.