Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
What the hell happened in there??
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”