Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

well this is just bullshirt

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

The struggle is real.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS