hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
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“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
sometimes we need to be reminded
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
