hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
You Might Also Like
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case