Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
They did not think through this water fountain
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.