Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Bobby pin
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
you’re so productive for your wage
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.