hear me out : pockets for your socks
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking