Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
shut up and take my money
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix