Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up