Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Admin smashed it 😂
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
For the baby who has everything
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
What
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.