Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?