Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”