Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.