Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop