Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Dead sexy!!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…