Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
smartest karate player in the world
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My beach vacation Google searches
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream