Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Sending in my taxes
Okay me first
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
BaD BoY!!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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1.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.