Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m putting together a team
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
😎 🍻
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
How to draw a duck
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
moms in horror movies
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”