Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
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A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken