Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
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[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
relationship goals
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.