Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.