Hear me out: WrestleVania
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
apparently this year was written by stephen king
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Children of the corn 🌽
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.