Hear me out: WrestleVania
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Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
incredible text to wake up to
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?