Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.