Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo