Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
The two types of wives
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy