Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I saw this ending much differently.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Good morning
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”