Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Not with that attitude
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
A wise man once said nothing.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor