Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”