Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
#SCOTUS one-star review
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*