Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
This did not end as expected.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.