Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
A drum solo but on your face.