Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*