HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.