Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*