Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
#damn
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.