@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

You Might Also Like

@_oculusmundi

Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.

@markleggett

COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

@hermanntrude

Me: I’ll have a sad meal please

McDonald’s worker: do you mean a happy meal?

Me: I’m not happy

Worker: I think the meal is named after what it makes you feel

Me: I’ll have a greasy heartburn and guilt meal please

@LlamaInaTux

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

@itsWillyFerrell

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

@rickygervais

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

@iAmDelFreaky

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.