@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

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@InternetHippo

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

@inanimatecorpse

The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”

@3sunzzz

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@TheDragoEffect

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

@QwertyJones3

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

@crunchenhanced

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

@JDotComma

I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.