Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

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*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*


Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.


I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses


gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”


To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.


Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*


Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.


mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what