*wakes up early*
*goes for morning jog*
*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses
gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”
To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what