Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.