Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

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Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.


COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.


Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?


Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.


Me: I’ll have a sad meal please

McDonald’s worker: do you mean a happy meal?

Me: I’m not happy

Worker: I think the meal is named after what it makes you feel

Me: I’ll have a greasy heartburn and guilt meal please


Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread


me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol


Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before


Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”


Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name


Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.


I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.