Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Lol.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*