Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
and this one
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
never stops being funny
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks