Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Breaking news:

adding to the discourse

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs