Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
