Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”