Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.