Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.