Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

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[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”