Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
why am I working on Labor Day