Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You Might Also Like
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.