Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf