Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best review i’ve ever seen

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

💀💀

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

cause of death:
autopsy.

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

Noted.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla