Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black