Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

“Huge”.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

These are so Plastic Man-core

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train