Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
White Castle for the Win
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Dammit Chief not again
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.