Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together