Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country