Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
me 2 months after i graduated
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot