Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
This made me chuckle.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.