Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

True.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.