Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”