Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I just tested negative for patience.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.