Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
You Might Also Like
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.