Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.