Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind