Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.