Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
You Might Also Like
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
BRO LMFAO
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W