Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Finally!
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
There’s only one good girl here!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.