Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

We will use anything but the metric system

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Flowers bee like

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

we all know this pain all too well

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.