Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?