Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

White parent Vs Arab parents

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

💻🤡

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.