Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion