Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.