Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character